The Wild Story of Valentine’s Day — And Why Your Love Life Needs It More Than You Think

Happy Valentine’s Day, to You

Let's be honest for a moment. When was the last time you really — I mean really — stopped everything and looked at your partner? Not the "can you pick up milk" kind of look. Not the "whose turn is it to cook" glance. I'm talking about that look. The one that says: I see you. I choose you. Still.

If you had to think about it for more than three seconds, ... keep reading.

A Saint, A Sword, and A Whole Lot of Goat Skin

Here’s what most people don’t know: Valentine’s Day started with a beheading. Romantic, right?

Back in third-century Rome, a priest named Valentine was secretly marrying young couples when Emperor Claudius II had banned marriage for soldiers. Claudius believed single men made better fighters. Valentine believed love was worth the risk. Spoiler alert: the Emperor disagreed. Valentine lost his head — literally — around 270 AD.

But here’s the part that gets me every time. While imprisoned, Valentine reportedly fell in love with the jailer’s blind daughter, healed her sight, and before his execution wrote her a letter signed “From your Valentine.” Over 1,500 years later, we’re still using that phrase.

Before the Christians put Valentine on the calendar, the Romans celebrated Lupercalia — a mid-February fertility festival where men sacrificed goats, stripped half-naked, and ran through the streets slapping women with animal hides. Because apparently that’s how you said “I fancy you” in ancient Rome. Thank goodness we’ve evolved to chocolates and roses.

It wasn’t until the poet Geoffrey Chaucer linked Valentine’s Day to romance in 1382 — noting that mid-February was when birds began choosing their mates — that the holiday became about love as we know it. Shakespeare followed. Handmade love letters became the thing. The rest is history. And a multibillion-dollar greeting card industry.

So Why Does Any of This Matter to You?

We live in an age where we are busier than any generation before us. We juggle careers, children, side hustles, social media, and the endless to-do list that regenerates overnight like some sort of domestic hydra. We are modern-day Adams and Eves — running through our busy paradise, so focused on managing everything that we forget to stop and actually enjoy each other.

And love? Love gets pushed to the bottom of the list. Somewhere between “fix the dripping tap” and “renew the car registration.”

We tell ourselves: We don’t need a commercial holiday to show our love.

And sure, you’re right. You don’t. But here’s the uncomfortable truth: if you’re not doing it on Valentine’s Day, you’re probably not doing it on any other day either.

Valentine — the real one, the guy who literally lost his head for love — he understood something we’ve forgotten. Love isn’t just a feeling. It’s a decision. An action. A daily practice. And sometimes, we all need a reminder.

What Your Brain Is Quietly Screaming at You

Your brain is literally wired for love. When you first fell in love, your brain was a cocktail party of neurochemicals. Dopamine — the same molecule that makes chocolate and roller coasters feel amazing — was flooding your reward centres. Dr. Helen Fisher’s neuroimaging research showed that early romantic love activates the same brain regions as addiction. Falling in love uses the same neural pathways as a drug high. No wonder we did crazy things in those early days (Fisher et al., 2005).

Then there’s oxytocin — the bonding hormone. It surges during physical closeness: hugging, touching, eye contact, intimacy. Research by Schneiderman and colleagues (2012) found that new lovers had significantly higher oxytocin levels than single people, and those levels stayed elevated for at least six months in couples who remained together.

But — and this is the big but — oxytocin needs to be fed. It doesn’t hang around indefinitely like a loyal Labrador. It needs touch, presence, genuine connection. Stop feeding it, and that warm bonded feeling quietly fades.

Here’s what’s fascinating: research from Norway’s NTNU found that oxytocin actually spikes when your brain senses the relationship is vulnerable — when one partner is drifting. It’s your body’s chemical SOS: This bond needs attention! (Grebe et al., 2017). Your nervous system knows you’re neglecting your relationship long before your conscious mind catches up.

The Busy Trap: How We Accidentally Starve Our Relationships

You wake up. Check your phone. Rush through breakfast. Work. Come home exhausted. Dinner. Netflix — sitting next to each other but not really with each other. A few logistical sentences about tomorrow. Sleep. Repeat.

Sound familiar?

There’s nothing wrong with routine. Life requires logistics. But if this is all your relationship is, you’ve turned your love story into a shared project management platform. And last time I checked, nobody ever looked lovingly into their partner’s eyes and whispered: “Darling, I love the way you manage our shared Google Calendar.”

Dr. John Gottman found that thriving couples maintain a ratio of 5 positive interactions for every 1 negative one. Five to one. That’s the magic number. And these positive moments don’t need to be dramatic — a genuine compliment, a six-second kiss, a moment of real eye contact (Gottman & Silver, 1999).

When we’re busy, we don’t just reduce positive interactions — we eliminate them. We go from 5:1 to 0.5:1. That’s when relationships start to feel like roommate arrangements with shared tax obligations.

Love Is Not a Noun. It’s a Verb.

Love is not something you have. It’s something you do.

And doing takes courage. Because here’s the thing about romantic gestures — whether it’s a handwritten note, a surprise dinner, or simply saying “I love you” with your whole chest — you never know exactly how it will land. That’s what makes it brave. That’s what makes it real.

When you do something romantic, you’re stepping into the unknown. You’re making yourself vulnerable without any guarantee of the outcome. You might feel silly writing that note. You might wonder if the effort is too much.

Do it anyway.

That’s love as a verb. Not a feeling you wait around for. An action. A choice. An adventure. You do something from the heart — not because you know it will be perfect, but because the person you love is worth the risk.

Think about it: every great love story started with someone taking a risk. Valentine married couples in secret, knowing it could cost him everything. Your own love story started with someone making the first move — a first hello, a first date, a first “I think I’m falling for you” that could have gone either way. Love has always been an adventure. The moment we stop taking that risk, we stop growing.

Psychologist Arthur Aron (2000) found that couples who regularly engage in novel, exciting activities together experience renewed attraction and satisfaction. The brain bundles the thrill of newness with the thrill of being together. This is why early love felt electric. The solution isn’t a new partner. It’s creating new firsts with the one you already chose.

And here’s what I find particularly beautiful: oxytocin doesn’t just bond us — it protects us from stress. Women who received more frequent hugs from their partners had significantly lower blood pressure and heart rates (Light, Grewen & Amico, 2005). Your relationship isn’t just good for your heart metaphorically. It’s good for your heart literally.

Love is medicine. But only if you actually take it.

Valentine’s Day: Remember How It Started

Valentine’s Day isn’t about overpriced roses or performing romance for Instagram. It’s something much simpler:

A day to remember how it all started.

Remember the butterflies? The nervous excitement of that first date? The moment you realised this person was different — that this one mattered? Remember how you made an effort — how you wanted to make an effort — because they were worth it?

They still are.

Valentine’s Day is your annual invitation to go back to the beginning. Not to recreate the past, but to honour it. To remember that your love started with two people being brave enough to say yes to each other — without knowing how the story would unfold.

That spirit of adventure didn’t expire. It just got buried under the busyness of life. Today is the day you dig it back up.

Are you still choosing each other — or just coexisting?

Are you still curious — or running on assumptions?

Are you thriving — or just surviving?

5 Simple Ways to Feed Your Love — Starting Today

1. The Six-Second Kiss

Gottman says six seconds is long enough for a kiss to move from routine to meaningful. Morning, evening, and once in between.

2. Phone Away, Eyes On

Even the presence of a phone on the table reduces conversation quality (Przybylski & Weinstein, 2013). Give your partner what you give your screen: your full attention.

3. Ask One Real Question

Not “how was your day?” Try: “What made you smile today?” or “What do you need from me right now?” Small questions build deep intimacy over time.

4. Touch Without Agenda

Hold hands. Touch their shoulder in passing. Sit close. Physical touch triggers oxytocin and lowers stress for both of you (Light et al., 2005).

5. Take a Romantic Risk This Week

Write a note and leave it where they’ll find it. Plan something they wouldn’t expect. Say the thing you’ve been thinking but haven’t said. You don’t know how it will land — and that’s the beautiful part. Love was always an adventure. Let it be one again.

A Final Thought

Valentine gave his life for the belief that choosing someone — really choosing them — is sacred.

We don’t need to be that dramatic. But we can honour his spirit with one quiet decision:

Stop assuming your love will take care of itself. Start taking care of your love.

Be romantic. Take the risk. Make the gesture. Do the thing that makes your heart beat a little faster — especially after all these years. Because love isn’t a destination you arrived at. It’s a path you walk together, one brave step at a time.

Your partner doesn’t need perfection. They need you. Present. Curious. A little bit brave. Choosing them not out of habit, but out of love.

Happy Valentine’s Day. Now go look at your person. Remember how it started. And write the next chapter.

With love and a little bit of science,

Heidi Link

BeWellVital — Enhancing Lives. Thriving Relationships.

We believe the best conversations happen face to face, not in a comments section. That's why we connect with you directly — through personal, meaningful dialogue that sparks real change. If this post made you think about your own relationship, let's talk.

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Scientific References

Aron, A., Norman, C.C., Aron, E.N., McKenna, C., & Heyman, R.E. (2000). Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 273–284.

Fisher, H., Aron, A., & Brown, L.L. (2005). Romantic love: An fMRI study of a neural mechanism for mate choice. Journal of Comparative Neurology, 493(1), 58–62.

Gottman, J.M. & Silver, N. (1999). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Crown Publishers.

Grebe, N.M. et al. (2017). Oxytocin and vulnerable romantic relationships. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 78, 1–10.

Light, K.C., Grewen, K.M., & Amico, J.A. (2005). More frequent partner hugs and higher oxytocin levels are linked to lower blood pressure and heart rate in premenopausal women. Biological Psychology, 69(1), 5–21.

Przybylski, A.K. & Weinstein, N. (2013). Can you connect with me now? How the presence of mobile communication technology influences face-to-face conversation quality. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 30(3), 237–246.

Schneiderman, I., Zagoory-Sharon, O., Leckman, J.F., & Feldman, R. (2012). Oxytocin during the initial stages of romantic attachment. Psychoneuroendocrinology, 37(8), 1277–1285.