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You're Not Too Much. You're Just Looking in the Wrong Places.


Nobody taught us how to date. Or how to choose. Or how to show up as ourselves when it actually matters. Here's what changes when you do.

Let's be honest about something.




Dating, in theory, has never been easier. More options than ever. Apps, events, introductions, algorithms designed specifically to find you The One — or at least someone vaguely compatible who also likes hiking and "long walks on the beach." (Everyone likes long walks on the beach. Nobody has ever met anyone on a beach.)

And yet. Here you are.


Not because you're doing it wrong. Not because there's something fundamentally unfixable about you. But because nobody — not one single person, at any point in your education — taught you how to actually do this. How to know what you're looking for. How to show up on a date as yourself rather than the slightly polished, slightly anxious, performing version of yourself. How to let something unfold without rushing it toward an outcome before it's had a chance to become one.

(We are VERY good at rushing things toward outcomes before they've had a chance to become anything. The apps have not helped with this.)


The List Is Not the Answer. Alain de Botton Has Thoughts.

Most of us go into dating with a list. Consciously or not. Tall. Funny. Ambitious but not workaholic. Emotionally available. Good with family. Doesn't own a gaming chair.

Philosopher Alain de Botton — who is very honest about how badly we understand our own romantic choices — points out that we are remarkably poor judges of what will actually make us happy in a partner. We optimise for the exciting. The familiar. The person who feels like home — even when home, if we're honest, wasn't always the healthiest place.

His point isn't that you shouldn't have standards. His point is that self-knowledge — genuinely knowing who YOU are, what you actually need, what works for you in the texture of daily life — is a far better guide than any list.

Because the right person for the performing version of you is a very different person from the right person for the actual you.


Esther Perel on Dating. (She's Right About This Too.)

Esther Perel makes a point about modern dating that I think about constantly: we've turned it into an audition. Both people performing their best selves, evaluating whether the other person meets their criteria, deciding within forty-five minutes whether this is going somewhere.

And then we wonder why it feels exhausting.

Dating, she says, used to be something you did with curiosity. The coffee that turned into three hours. The moment you made each other laugh unexpectedly. The slow unfolding of discovering someone — which IS the dance, not the warm-up to the dance.

You can't rush that without stepping on someone's feet.


(And yet. We try. Every time. Usually while also checking our phone.)


What's Actually Going On Underneath

Here's what I see in my practice, again and again, with people who are dating — and struggling with it, or avoiding it, or doing it but feeling vaguely hollow afterward:

It's almost never about finding the right person.

It's about not quite knowing who they are yet. The patterns they keep repeating without quite seeing them. The attachment style they developed long before they were aware they were developing anything — and which now quietly runs the show on every first date, second date, and "why do I always end up here" moment.

Dr. Sue Johnson's research on attachment tells us this: what we're looking for in a partner is fundamentally the same thing we needed as children. Safety. Presence. The feeling of being genuinely seen. When we don't feel that — when someone is emotionally unavailable, or the connection feels uncertain — we either chase harder or shut down entirely.

Sound familiar?

Neither response is wrong. They're just strategies that made sense once — and might be getting in the way now.


Knowledge First. Then Understanding. Then Tools.

This is where coaching is different from a good conversation with a friend. (Although good conversations with friends are also important. Both. We need both.)

We start with knowledge — how attraction works, what attachment does to us, why we keep choosing the same person in different packaging. Not to analyse you to death. To give you enough understanding that you can start choosing differently.

Then tools. Real ones. For real situations.

Your toolbox might grow to include: how to get clear on what you actually need — not the list, the real answer. How to show up on a date as yourself, rather than your representative. How to communicate what you want without apologising for wanting it. How to spot a genuine connection versus the familiar pull of something that looks like one. How to date with curiosity instead of anxiety — which turns out to be considerably more fun AND more effective.

And if you want it — a review date. A point where we look back together: what's shifted? What do you want to try next?

Because the goal is that you become so self-aware, so genuinely good at this, that you don't need me anymore. You just need yourself. Fully. Clearly. Without apology.


Knowledge. Understanding. Tools. Independence. Thriving.


One More Thing

Dating is something you get better at by doing. That is not a consolation prize. That IS the point.

Every date — good, bad, spectacularly awkward — is information. About yourself, about what you want, about what you're willing to settle for and what you're not. The person who approaches it with curiosity learns faster than the person who approaches it with dread.

You are not too much. You are not too late. You are not too anything.

You just might need a map. And someone to help you read it.


- WINTER PILOT — LIMITED PLACES -

A First Conversation. Free. 90 Minutes.

This winter I'm offering a limited number of free 90-minute Singles Taster Sessions — private, relaxed, no agenda. You talk, I listen. You leave with one real insight and one tool you can actually use.

Not a programme. Not a commitment. Just a genuine beginning — if it feels right.

The session can be held in either German or English

! Only a handful of places this winter.


Nobody taught us how to love. Or how to find it. Or how to let it in when it arrives.

But you learned parallel parking. You learned to navigate airports in languages you barely speak. You learned approximately forty things this year you didn't know last year.


You can learn this too.



A personal note — from me.

I'd rather spend my time in real conversations than in comment threads. Social media is wonderful for inspiration — but real change? That doesn't happen in the scrolling. It happens when someone actually listens.

If something in this article resonated with you — let's talk. Not down here in the comments. Properly. One to one. You and me.

Book a free intro call at bewellvital.com — 30 minutes, no sales pitch, no pressure. Just an honest conversation about where you are right now and what might be possible.


Be well. Be vital. Be you. —

Heidi Link,

 BeWellVital



Disclaimer: Content is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Coaching is not a substitute for therapy or medical treatment. © BeWellVital Ltd

 

 

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